Conflict or protest for connecton?
In the context of romantic relationships, we often find ourselves in conflict with each other and are left wondering, “what are we fighting about?” But are we really asking, “What are we fighting for?”
That question comes up a lot in couples, especially when the fight has escalated past the original issue. Here’s the thing: in many couple arguments, the surface-level topic [dishes, texts, plans, tone, etc.] isn’t the real fight. Couples are often fighting about one or more core needs. Emotional core needs can look like one of these:
Feeling unheard or misunderstood
“I don’t feel seen by you”
“Do I matter to you?”
“I don’t feel important to you”
Respect and value
“I don’t feel appreciated”
“I never feel I get it right”
“I just don’t feel good enough”
Trust and safety
“Can I count on you?”
“Do you have my back?”
Power and control
“Why do you always have to be right?”
“I never get to have my say”
Love and emotional connection
“I feel so alone when we’re together”
“I don’t feel you really care about me”
Fights often disguise themselves. At the tip of the iceberg, somehow its easier to start arguing about who left the dishes, why that text wasn’t sent - but underneath the iceberg, what is really driving the fight, is someone who feels alone, neglected or afraid, that they’re not feeling loved. The fight is often a protest of disconnection. The fight offers hope for change. We try to respond to our core needs as bids for connection with a mask - and its the mask that escalates the argument.
So, when you get caught up in this kind of fight, try asking yourself, ‘what are we really fighting for?” It slows things down and brings you closer to the truth.
If you’re looking for a therapist in a private, confidential space, we’d love to hear from you.
Written by Helen Marton, Clinical Lead, WBG
The Wellbeing Garden Bath
https://thewellbeinggardenbath.co.uk
Em:
Mob: 07480 174498
