Arousal - are you responsive or spontaneous?
Arousal refers to state of alertness or activation in the brain and body - and is the readiness to respond.
Spontaneous arousal happens automatically, without any obvious trigger. Your body just reacts - like a sudden rush of anxiety or excitement out of nowhere.
Responsive arousal happens in response to something. You see, hear, smell, touch, see or experience a stimulus and your body reacts accordingly.
Which are you? There is no wrong or right answer. Both are right. That’s what makes us wonderfully different.
But sometimes this difference can lead to difficulties in Relationships.
In fact, one of the most frequently asked questions in a sex therapist’s office is abut sexual discrepancy in desire. This can lead to disconnection with each other, feelings of rejection, feeling misunderstood, frustration and shame.
The distinction between responsive and spontaneous arousal is actually really important in understanding how different people experience desire or intimacy. Spontaneous sexual arousal comes out of the blue - your body or mind becomes aroused without any external stimulation. Whereas in responsive sexual arousal, this happens after some kind of sexual or emotional stimulation - like touch, closeness or emotional intimacy. You’re not initially in the mood, but once things start, desire kicks in.
Another reason our desires may differ is the ease with which we can be turned on, or the ease with which we are turned off. Emily Negowski calls these “accelerators” and “brakes”. It’s a good idea to get to know your own and your partner’s accelerators and brakes so you can turn the ons on, and turn the offs off.
We all have the same goal of achieving pleasurable, meaningful connection in our romantic relationships and there are many ways to succeed.
If you would like to talk more about this, come and talk to us.
Written by Helen Marton, Clinical Lead, WBG
07480 174498
